Helpful Reading

As I was typing yesterday's post about "memorable moments", I realized how much I've changed in how I handle those moments.  Even a few months ago, I probably would have at least ranted and raved at the kids in the car after we left the library.  Yet yesterday I found myself staying calm and even laughing with Chris about when I got home.  The difference can in part be attributed to a book Chris and I have been re-reading.

First, a little background on how we found the book.  A couple years back, we were listening to an online lecture by "Mark Hamby" founder of "Lamplighter Publishing".  In his lecture, he highly recommended a book called "Families where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VanVonderen.  As we re-read this book this year, Chris summed it up with the comment "This is a book we need to re-read every year."  This is not a "How-To" parenting/living with others book, but more of a "Why" and "What's the proper mind set" book.  It sets the stage for the "How-To" book referred to by this book; and this is the book we are currently reading.

The book is called "Self Esteem A Family Affair" by Jean Clarke.  This book goes through how to deal with children at each developmental stage to help build self-esteem.  One of the many things I like about this book is that it gives you two different ways to do things; Nurturing or Structured, and both are fine.  It's not an "only do it this way or you'll fail" type book.  It also gives examples in each situation of the two ways NOT to parent; Marshmallowing and Critical.  I have to admit my default is Critical, but that's another thing I like about the book - it really reinforces grace.  Just because you've not been an ideal parent or person during certain stages, you can re-do those stages and get back on track.  The three key tools of the book are: Affirmations, Strokes and Visualization.  They have specific affirmations to use at each stage.  For instance, the affirmation "Your needs are okay with me" for the 0-6mo. stage has really helped me not get frustrated during the late night cluster feeds.  Each chapter takes time to digest and often I need to re-read them to really start to own what they discuss.  I literally have read dozens of books on parenting, some I gleamed a little from, some I totally discarded and others we tried because "everyone" said they were the way, but they never felt right so we quit (sometimes for good reason).  Everything about this book feels right and when you start to implement the ideas (some are a bit awkward at first), it really starts to feel right.  The approach is all positive but not wimpy, there are boundaries but without accusations and shame.  When I have a conflict with the boys, even with my two year old in the library, I come out feeling effective and not regretting what I said as I replay the event in my head.  The ideas are 180 from how we were raised and certainly don't come naturally.  We really have to work at finding affirming ways to say things sometimes, occasionally look at each other to see if we are saying it right, and help as needed.  And of course we still fall back into our old habits occasionally, in which case we do what we've always done; apologize to the boys for how we handled things, explain what we as parents should have done, then let it go and try to do the next right thing.  I would highly recommend this book. I believe the longer we use it the more apparent the fruit will be.