Safari

Early last week, I came downstairs to find Lance looking up the word "Safari" in our 1828 Noah Webster dictionary.  He said couldn't find it and sure enough it wasn't in that dictionary. We decided to find out how old the word was and it turns out it didn't become part of the English language until the 1890s. The work has Swahili/Arabic origins and means "journey".  Looking back on the last few weeks, I found it very aprepo. 

Jared's last SVT was December 21.  Though we managed to avoid the ER by the skin of our teeth, it was the proverbial last straw for me.  My body broke down. I got a cold the next day and it lasted over two weeks.  The entire situation took a toll on my spirit as well.  Having your son endure three life-threatening events in four-month period can wear a person down. 

I've mentioned before that I have control issues - I'm a fixer by nature.  Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to fix Jared and the doctors said there's nothing they can really do either at this point. It's hard for a fixer to accept that all they can do is Trust in the Lord and I'm no exception.  As a result, I have frequently felt abandoned by God despite the abundant blessings He has given us; like our four beautiful children.  

Over the last two years my hope/faith had been growing a little, maybe trusting in the Lord was enough. Jared seemed to be thriving. His activity levels were high.  He had fun this past summer swimming and playing with his brothers.  I started to hope again that one of these days I would go to the cardiologist and find out my prayers had been answered and Jared was miraculously healed. These episodes have made it more difficult but I will always keep praying for a miracle. 

Today, I saw Chris pull Jared down into his lap and hug him so tight Jared was laughing and complaining. I could see the tears in Chris' eyes.  When Jared left the room he said: "Sometimes I wonder if this is the last time." I nodded and said I know.  Knowing I'm not alone on this journey is both a blessing and a source of pain.  It's hard to see such pain in the eyes of someone you.  We both put on a good show of strength, but it is still just a show.  

A friend gave me a little ray of hope last Sunday.  I told her I was switching Jared back to his old liquid vitamins.  I said when I went to re-order them the other day, I had the sudden thought maybe I shouldn't keep Jared on them.  I explained I had switched the boys to new liquid vitamins early this summer because they had ionized minerals that help to detox the body and improve focus.  I was pleased with the vitamins and they seemed to be helping.  The thought that made me stop giving them to Jared was "what if they were doing their job too well and decreasing the effectiveness of Jared's medications?"  My friend said she thinks those moments are the Holy Spirit talking to us.  I'd never thought of random ideas that way, but it is comforting knowing that God is still talking to me. I just need to listen and trust more. 

Jared has definitely been more spacey this week as a result (mental confusion is also a side effect of one of his drugs.)  But if the SVTs don't return, I can cope with his spaceiness with patience and grace. I'm hoping to move forward with our journey again this week.  Our lives must go on as normal as possible for Jared and the sake of our three other children.  Chris and I have always said "We don't want our children to survive, we want them to thrive!".  To do that we must get back to enjoying every part of the journey, wherever it leads.